A surgeon went to visit his twin brother, a vicar, at a parish. During his morning walk a parishioner, mistaking him for the vicar, congratulated him on his sermon.

"Sorry," replied the surgeon. "I am not the twin who preaches, I am the one who practices."

Patient: Doctor, I'm having trouble with my breathing.

Doctor: I'll give you something that will soon put a stop to that.

Patient: I feel so sick I wish I could die.

Doctor: Don't worry. I'll take care of that!

Doctor: Madam, your cheque came back.

Woman: So did my arthritis!

Doctors after operation and students after exam both tell the same answer;
.
.
.
We tried our best;
Can't say anything right now!

Patient: Doctor, doctor, I'can't stop stealing things.

Doctor: Take these pills for a week and if they don't work, get me a 42-inch flat screen TV!

Two old men were sitting in bar.

One said to other, "My wife's a mess. She has gonorrhoea, diarrhoea and ascariasis."

"Why do you stay with her?" said the other.

"Because I love to fish and she has great worms."